Subject: If Britain Revoked American Independence
>
>To the citizens of the United States of America,
> >>>
> >>>In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
> >>>and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> >>>revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
> >>>
> >>>Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
> >>>duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
> >>>Kansas, which she does not fancy).
> >>>
> >>>Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
> >>>America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
> >>>Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
> >>>year to determine whether any of you noticed.
> >>>
> >>>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
> >>>following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> >>>
> >>>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
> >>>English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the
> >>>pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
> >>>have been pronouncing it.
> >>>
> >>>2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
> >>>'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
> >>>'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize"
> >>>will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
> >>>
> >>>3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra';
> >>>you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you
> >>>simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
> >>>
> >>>4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
> >>>acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
> >>>twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
> >>>and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
> >>>
> >>>5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft
> >>>know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
> >>>to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
> > "-ize."
> >>>
> >>>6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
> >>>Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
> >>>
> >>>7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
> >>>will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in
> >>>England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
> >>>
> >>>8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> >>>lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> >>>therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
> >>>Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
> >>>to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
> >>>then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
> >>>
> >>>9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
> >>>anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
> >>>required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> >>>
> >>>10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
> >>>for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
> >>>understand what we mean.
> >>>
> >>>11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
> >>>will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
> >>>time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of
> >>>conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
> >>>understand the British sense of humour.
> >>>
> >>>12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
> >>>been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
> >>>
> >>>13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> >>>fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
> >>>potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick
> >>>cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with
> > vinegar.
> >>>
> >>>14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
> >>>with customers.
> >>>
> >>>15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> >>>actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
> >>>be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
> >>>provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
> >>>referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold
> >>>without risk of further confusion.
> >>>
> >>>16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
> >>>as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
> >>>actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
> >>>English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience
> >>>akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
> >>>
> >>>17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one
> >>>kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave
> >>>enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
> >>>similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping
> >>>for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
> >>>like a bunch of nancies).
> >>>
> >>>18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
> >>>to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not
> >>>played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
> >>>there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
> >>>
> >>>19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
> >>>
> >>>20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
> >>>Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
> >>>acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
> >>>
> >>>Thank you for your co-operation